


10 letters from louis

by brbhoran (harrylouiz)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-01-27 21:14:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1722755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrylouiz/pseuds/brbhoran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>louis tomlinson is suicidal.. well, he has been for a while now. but today’s the day. he’s going to do it. he’s got the carton of pills in one hand and his pen in the other. all he needs to do is to write 10 letters to the 10 people who have made an impact. and then he’ll be gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. dear zayn,

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for suicide. i'm so sorry i wrote this guys, i'm sad.

dear zayn,

 

as I write this i’m sitting in my cold bathroom on the tile floor with a fuzzy sweater on and my coca cola pajama pants. i feel warm on the outside but the feelings inside are cold, so  _so_  cold and have been that way for months.

i don’t care what they say, it doesn’t get better.

i hate to say it, but it doesn’t.

i miss the moonless nights on the roof of your apartment complex with interlocked lips and your fingers brushing through my hair.

this list says i should write to an ex-boyfriend, and while i have a bit of a variety of lame punk ex boyfriends, i picked you.

i’m not sure why, but the way you twisted my heart and stomped on it and left it to live on it’s own seemed like a fucking great way to start off these letters by revisiting lingering emotions.

my head thinks ‘i’m also not even sure why I fell for you..’

but my heart knows.

you are so beautiful.

so fucking beautiful that you have a way to charm and twist my feelings to the point of no return.

but no, i am not so pathetic to still be so hung up over you. it’s not you.

and i’m not even pissed anymore. i should be, but i’m not.

basically i’m rambling and i should crush this paper into a ball right now and throw it in the bin but i’m not going to and i’m not planning on it because the list said to say what you mean and if these words are what i’m thinking then so fucking be it.

i’m not going to use an eraser.

ever since you cheated on me with that ‘perry’ cunt or whatever  ~~i’ve just~~

~~i can’t even~~

i’m not even sure how to complete this sentence because wow i just realized how shit of a person you are.

i am a fucking  _human being_  and the way you treated me was just  _unacceptable_.

who _does that_  to someone?

i had our whole fucking future planned out, zayn.

i moved to bradford, i quit my dream for you, zayn.

we could have got married in that small little chapel near doncaster we both stumbled upon that cold january morning. 

i could just imagine you and your sleek suit with your hair whisked up with mousse and me looking plain as ever standing next to you, a pebble in the shadow of a pearl.

the tiny church would be packed densely with all of our friends and family, their chipper humbled faces looking with contentment at the two of us, the two grooms, your mum watching with tears in her eyes.

we could ride away that night in a shiny limo with the windows rolled down and the speakers blaring as we throw back the finest wine money can buy.

the limo would speed away to some airport and we would fly to some remote caribbean island with palm trees that sway with the wind and the warm summer breeze running through our hair as we kiss in moonlit waters and lock hands.

and then, there would be the sex.

the nights with the lustful intentions, lips against skin leaving dark marks behind as claimed property.

we could have started a family. 

i always wanted a little boy.

the name doesn’t even matter.

he would be mine.

he would be yours.

but i guess that wasn’t enough

the night i walked into your flat, carrying enough take-out chinese for ten people, i was the happiest i’d been in a long, long, time.

i wanted to surprise you so i was as quiet as i could be and snuck into the hallway, a smile creeping on my face as i tiptoed across the creaky floorboards.

and yet when i heard the squeaks and groans of your bed against the old bed frame..

i just knew.

so being the pussy i was i dropped the chinese and walked out of the flat with my head in my hands, my tears banding down my face.

and the funny thing was that all that was going through my mind that night as i cried in my pillow was not “he’s such a dick” it was

“am i not enough?”

and i do know now, that i was enough. i was always enough.

i don’t even care how many times you texted or called me.

a cheater is a cheater and i was not desperate enough to come back to you.

and you never tried to convince me.

you see, that’s the confusing thing about people. 

i didn’t want you but i wanted  _you_  to want  _me_ , to  _beg_  for me.

i needed to feel wanted.

but thanks.

a lot.

“see you never!”

yes, i used your catchphrase, you vain son of a bitch.

but this time it will be literal.

all i hope is that you have great times with your fiancée, malik.

we haven’t talked in so long that you won’t miss me when i’m gone.

just like how

i don’t miss you and i never did.

-louis

 


	2. dear eleanor,

dear eleanor,  
i never got the proper chance to thank you for all you’ve done for me.

you’ve always been nothing but sweet to me

and i wish you found your prince before you met me.

i’m sorry i couldn’t love you like you deserve.

the list said to write to an ex girlfriend and i couldn’t bear to write to anyone but you.

after i found out i found out i was gay i agonized over how i should tell you and when it came out i was scared you would slap me or something but i’m so glad you didn’t and i should have known you wouldn’t

cause you’re the epitome of a classy lady.

thank you for understanding me in every way possible.

thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder over boys after we broke up no matter how much you said it broke your heart.

we were great friends and it saddens me to think about how it’s not like that anymore.

the thing i miss the most about you is your flowy chestnut hair and your warm hugs.

god i miss them so much.

i wish i could’ve seen you again before this.

and i know if i did you would talk me through it and and talk me out of it like you always do.

i miss our days spent on the dates combing through the mall, browsing each store and buying whatever the hell we wanted.

like when you found those ten inch leather stripper heels with the spikes and jokingly bought them as we laughed our way to the food court to gorge ourselves with soft pretzels and starbucks.

i remember the first day i met you was when you found me on the streets crying in the rain because my mum kicked me out because i told her i was bisexual,

but at the time i was just confused.

you gave me warm clothes and a place to sleep and food to eat and fuck i was just a stranger.

and you treated me like I was

the fragile china bowl that completed your collection. 

i remember the day when we first had sex and you were gripping the sheets because you were a virgin and nervous as hell but you let me give you every bit of myself and you trusted me.

i remember how the first few months were paradise.

but in football practice at uni i would just be dumbfounded by my absorbing attraction to the other boys in the locker room and when I talked to him i just lit up.

i knew i loved you but i knew i loved him more.

i knew i loved you in a different way.

but once again i treated us both carelessly as i denied it to myself for a year and after then i just couldn’t.

i couldn’t lie to myself like that but mostly importantly i couldn’t lie to you but you understood and i never gave that to you and you deserve props.

if the situations were reversed i don’t know if i could have handled it like you did.

i love how our relationship quickly changed but it was so natural.

it was so smooth,

so swift.

i remember crying on your shoulder over zayn, you stroking my head and murmuring soothing words, calming my anxiety, settling me down.

i remember not noticing the signs.

i didn’t notice the scars up your arms,

or the drop of your diet.

i didn’t notice until it was too late.

i know you’ll never get this letter but it’s just nice to let my feelings out.

i miss you el.

i remember when i found you i just dropped to the ground, a sob forming in my throat as my shaky fingers dialed 9-1-1.

the bath was filled to the brim with red, and your whole body was covered in a thick layer of blood as it sunk to the bottom of the tub.

your eyes were filmy and staring blankly at the ceiling, your chestnut waves i loved so much floating across the top of the water like lost dogs with sad, alone eyes waiting for their family. 

i don’t know why you

but i needed

i just miss you eleanor.

and you know one thing i never told you?

somewhere along the way i fell for you in a way i didn’t know i was capable of.

a way in which my senses were disabled and i was just addicted, intoxicated by you.

i just didn’t realize it until you were gone.

i need to see you soon

i’ll see you soon

-louis


	3. dear liam,

dear liam,

wow mate, i really wish things ended differently. i’m supposed to write to an ex best friend, and thats you.

i wish it was someone else but i cant think of anyone else.

i feel weird writing to you like this even when i know i’ll be gone by the time you read this

well i’m sitting here on my death floor (yes, floor. i can literally see you smirking at that) and im laughing and reminiscing over our stupid saturday nights after rugby games, in your basement with a heap of takeout containers and video games.

i’ve never forgotten the time you got drunk at my house and ran around the neighborhood in only one of my sister’s pink skirts yelling “i’m a PARTY girl!” while i laughed so hard i peed my pants

or the time when i was failing english and you stayed in all weekend with me to help me study for my exam. 

it makes me certain that even after i’m gone you’ll go on to do some amazing things.

we’ve had amazing times, years full of incredible memories in fact. 

it makes me feel horrible to think about the one day that changed all that.

you were right, to be honest, and i know that now.

i am a pretty shitty person.

who sleeps with their best friend’s girlfriend?

a dick.

that’s who.

that’s me.

i know how much you loved her.

how happy you were together.

it kills me knowing that i never got to explain to you what happened that night..

danielle was sitting on the porch, you were in the shower.

she had some pretty bad dirt on my family.

she had overheard my mother on the phone one night when you guys had stayed over for dinner.

she knew about my mother’s hidden abortion.

my dad didn’t even know, to make matters worse.

if her church and all her buddies found out what had happened, she’d have been thrown out.

i was so scared

i wanted to protect my mom at whatever costs.

even at this point i was under my mother’s spell.

dani blackmailed me into sleeping with her.

i’ve always regretted that night.

it was my darkest hour

i never told you this because i didn’t want you to know about my mom’s secret,

after my mom kicked me out i realized she wasn’t worth it.

i drove to your house to try and make at least a valiant effort 

but then i noticed the lights were off,

and the cars were gone.

i did some asking around town and i found out about your mom.

i’m so so sorry.

in every way i feel like i lost my mother but i can’t have even imagined what you were going through.

cancer is one of the most terrible diseases on the earth.

your mom didn’t deserve it.

your family didn’t deserve the pain.

i figured the last thing you needed was more drama.

i feel so much guilt and the pain is unbearable.

i don’t suppose you’ll ever forgive me for what i did.

i don’t even forgive myself, i can’t expect you to.

i just want you to remember me after i’m gone as the boy who made a mistake.

the boy who always thought of you as a friend.

up until the very end.

i also want you to know that im not scared. 

i’m ready to leave.

anyways you’ve made life a blast, man, and it really sucked when you weren’t around anymore.

my sisters miss you

comfort them please when i’m not around either

-louis


	4. dear jay,

dear jay,

i'm not sure i should be writing you a letter.

i'm not sure if you deserve the honour of me acknowledging you presence at all.

probably not.

it's been forever since we've spoken and i was always fine with that.

you did a horrible job at being a mum, anyways.

but, you were a half-decent mum when i was five and younger but then you just kinda gave up the ruse.

ugh this whole letter is probably going to be me ranting and yelling at you the whole time. (actually i know for a fact it will be)

you know, just to warn you , not to scare you off from reading it.

i'd really like to use fucking ghost powers to see your face as you read this letter.

what i wouldn't give to see you read this.

this anger i have bubbling up inside me stemmed from you.

"hatred is not born but learned"

we learned that in my sociology course a few weeks ago.

but even as a child i never understood your hatred for people who loved certain people.

~~it's just so frustrating~~

~~i cant~~

~~why did you abando~~

all i want you to take from this letter is how fucked of a person you are.

how uncontrollably ignorant and selfish and rude.

i'm your son, your _son_ and you threw me out onto the streets because you didn't approve of my choices.

i remember crying myself to sleep every night just imagining telling you the truth about who i am

i was so scared for what you would think about me

i knew that it wouldn't matter if i was your son, you would completely disregard my entire existence

you made me feel like i wasn't enough

i hated being compared to other people you saw as perfect children.

they're not me.

i loved you, mum

all i ever wanted was to tell you the truth and have you still love me as well

it hurts so much 

i still hurt thinking about you

so i numb the pain with this hatred of mine

it's become a passion to do everything you said i should never do.

i wish i could come home mum.

i wish things could be the same as they were

but things will never, could never go back

the fall day that i came out to you was the day that changed my relationship with you forever.

it was mid autumn and all the leaves were covering the ground in a kaleidoscope of yellow, orange, red.

i was coming home from uni and you were baking your famous homemade gingersnaps and the smell permeated the entire

house with the sweet flavor in the air. (it was always been my favorite smell)

i felt like i finally had the courage to say the two words to you.

so i did.

so you broke the glass plate with cookies on the ground, little shards cutting into my toes.

and screamed at me with such anger

as you shooed me out of the house.

every word you spoke to me that day was a stab to my heart, i really looked up to you no matter how much i wish i wouldn't have

life is always about the choices we make.

the regrets we have, the mistakes that build us.

but another thing of life, you can't go back, you can't take back words once they're said.

i don't forgive you

i'm sorry i was never good enough.

-louis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these are short not because i have writers block(well maybe a little bit) but because louis is having a tough time writing them and hes not gonna spend all day on em lol  
> this chapter made me depressed a bunch


End file.
